My life is all about CAPs

So yesterday while talking to a friend, I think I lost my fuse. Not an explosive fuse but rather one starting with a big capital P.  I'm not sure I feel guilty (another capital P enters the picture here) because at the moment I did what I felt was best but wonder if I could have done it a better way......and just the fact that I am wondering leads me to believe that without a doubt I could have or rather should have expressed myself differently.  The capital P is for patience, with the letter U for understanding shortly following, and L for listening...and yes I can go through the entire alphabet if needs be. 

I told her this after politely trying two previous times to remove myself from the conversation that was negative and going nowhere.

I need to be around positive people right now and that means I'm unable to talk with you at this moment.

Honest maybe, but I have a feeling that I hurt her feelings.  I've tried to distance myself from her in the past  as I feel that nothing positive comes from trying to lift up a person who doesn't want or rather can't be lifted up.  But the guilty of knowingly hurting anothers feelings has overwhelmed me.  Was I too harsh?  Do I need more empathy?  Must I be pulled down to her level of misery to give her the solace she is looking for?

It made me think about my Heavenly Father (and anybody else who has heard me complain for that matter).  Is He tired of hearing me ask and plead for the same things time after time.  Does He feeling exhausted when I come to him with a bad attitude?  Am I so determined in my viewpoint I'm unwilling to see all the blessings of the trial that are right there in front of my eyes.  Am I complaining in my prayers or have accepted the state of unanswered prayers as par for the course.  Has Heavenly Father been so fed up with hearing the same thing over and over that he has wanted to say to me-

I have other children with more faith and gratitude that deserve my attention right now. 

My friend did not want to hear that her trials may be necessarily be overcome but joy may be experienced in the journey.  We should never settle for mediocrity and keep pressing on looking for how are prayers could be answered, in essence almost answering them ourselves....at least the ones we think haven't been answered.  Have we acknowledged our attitude and tried to better the conversation?  Have we asked how we can help serve and life others up instead of focusing on ourselves?

I have not apologized to my friend as I'm not sure how to go about it.  I don't want that relationship anymore (insert capital P again here).  However Heavenly Father will never sever His ties with us and through the Atonement amazing things happen.  Maybe it is an apology from me that will help the mending of a relationship that may turn into something better.

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Faith

So yesterday I visited Dori. As usually it was always a joy to talk with her.

I left her home feeling ready to face the world.

But the world came, and I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was.

Today I "had the opportunity" to speak at church. I selected a topic that I felt was dear to my heart, and something that I was actively in the midst of learning. Problem was as I prepared the talk, anything personal sent me into tears. So personal words were out, since I'd rather maintain control than dive into such raw emotion.

The other challenge is that in the midst of preparing my talk, my period confirmed that the 4th attempt of IUI infertility treatment did not take. Suddenly my talk on faith wasn't for anyone but me. I struggled with the words I should say. So I returned to begging, praying, and pleading to understand that the Lord still does love me, even if he can't grant me this great desire of my heart - yet again.

I don't understand the whys, but I know that I have been helped to learn that faith is not just getting what I want, but having faith in Jesus Christ, having the confidence that He knows what it is best.

In my talk, my closing remarks were from President Monson. Words that I need to truly embrace.

"I testify to you that our promised blessings are beyond measure. Through the storm clouds may gather, through the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments....my beloved brothers and sisters, fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith." (Thomas S. Monson, General Conference, April 2009.)

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This is life

Do you ever find yourself saying, "I will do this when...", "I will be this when...", "I will accomplish this when..."

For me, I have a list of "I will [fill in the blank] when..."

Basically the translation of this is: "I will really start living, when..."

If I'm not careful, I find myself stuck in "I can't fully appreciate life yet" mode. When I reach that point, its time to relearn a lesson, that I've already learned, many times over. This is my life, right now! Whether or not it came in the package I thought it would is secondary. Each day my life is moving on, and I can either embrace it with all its wonders, joys, blessings, and opportunities, or I can dwell on all that I'm missing. But either way it is my choice, my agency, it is my life.

This lesson was first learned after my plans and goals for marriage did not happen in the time frame I had planned. I live in a wonderful culture, with very good people. But after I hit my late 20s, and then 30, and found myself still single, I felt like the outsider to many of my peers. At age 31, I finally married a wonderful man. But now four years later, we have learned to use the term "infertility" in our daily conversation. For whatever reason, it is not our time yet to start a family. Once again I'm the outsider looking into the traditional family life that surrounds me.

Sometimes the hurt and longing are extremely great. I know I'm missing out on something BIG. Motherhood is a noble and sought after goal, not to mention a commandment from the Lord. I should want this blessing.

But there is still purpose in life. It is still up to me to live my life to its fullest, even while I continue to earnestly hope and pray that at the proper time the Lord will grant me with this important desire of my heart.

Still, I can establish my "whens" now. Rather than say "Someday I will do this." I need to focus on who I want to be today. I can arise early to write, I can exercise, I can set goals and achieve them. I can live. Because this is my life, and when I look back on it, I want to know I focused on my blessings, and that I didn't miss out on my own personal spectacular journey of life.

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Here we go!

Today is the first day of my new Project.  But yet already within the first sentence, I have a correction.  Today is the first day of "our" new Project.  A project in the making, a project talked about for years, a project with little or no direction, and a project that both of us feel is inspired.  The us in we, or rather our, (can you tell I'm not the one that is grammatically correct) is my dear friend Tara and myself.  I met Tara years ago in a math class, but I plead ignorant as to what year.  She was an answer to a prayer that literally took years for me to stop praying for the same thing and recognize that the Lord had already blessed me with such a friend.  A friend who could understand.  With that understanding she has helped and inspired me through more rough patches than I could ever imagine.  We have laughed and cried through hours of conversation in which I wish I could rewind the eternal clocks and hear her wisdom all over again. 

That is what I hope to do with this project.  I want to take the conversations, the wisdom and the strength that Tara has given me, the joy and the tears and hopefully inspire others.  We are nothing alike but we share the same vision, the same emotion, the same refiners fire in this experience called life.  With each hurdle we have overcome, I realize how much we are the same.  We share an affinity for the Gospel of Jesus Christ  and that bond is what I am most thankful for. A commonality in which cannot be ignored.  The Gospel innately makes us realize that we have more in common than not.  As with all women in this world.  Akin sister to one another, paralleling journeys, no matter how different we all may seem.

Tara is a writer and I am aspire to be one.  But with this project we hope we can reach out and help and inspire others, that may be searching for someone else who understands.   

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