This is life

Do you ever find yourself saying, "I will do this when...", "I will be this when...", "I will accomplish this when..."

For me, I have a list of "I will [fill in the blank] when..."

Basically the translation of this is: "I will really start living, when..."

If I'm not careful, I find myself stuck in "I can't fully appreciate life yet" mode. When I reach that point, its time to relearn a lesson, that I've already learned, many times over. This is my life, right now! Whether or not it came in the package I thought it would is secondary. Each day my life is moving on, and I can either embrace it with all its wonders, joys, blessings, and opportunities, or I can dwell on all that I'm missing. But either way it is my choice, my agency, it is my life.

This lesson was first learned after my plans and goals for marriage did not happen in the time frame I had planned. I live in a wonderful culture, with very good people. But after I hit my late 20s, and then 30, and found myself still single, I felt like the outsider to many of my peers. At age 31, I finally married a wonderful man. But now four years later, we have learned to use the term "infertility" in our daily conversation. For whatever reason, it is not our time yet to start a family. Once again I'm the outsider looking into the traditional family life that surrounds me.

Sometimes the hurt and longing are extremely great. I know I'm missing out on something BIG. Motherhood is a noble and sought after goal, not to mention a commandment from the Lord. I should want this blessing.

But there is still purpose in life. It is still up to me to live my life to its fullest, even while I continue to earnestly hope and pray that at the proper time the Lord will grant me with this important desire of my heart.

Still, I can establish my "whens" now. Rather than say "Someday I will do this." I need to focus on who I want to be today. I can arise early to write, I can exercise, I can set goals and achieve them. I can live. Because this is my life, and when I look back on it, I want to know I focused on my blessings, and that I didn't miss out on my own personal spectacular journey of life.