Faith

So yesterday I visited Dori. As usually it was always a joy to talk with her.

I left her home feeling ready to face the world.

But the world came, and I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was.

Today I "had the opportunity" to speak at church. I selected a topic that I felt was dear to my heart, and something that I was actively in the midst of learning. Problem was as I prepared the talk, anything personal sent me into tears. So personal words were out, since I'd rather maintain control than dive into such raw emotion.

The other challenge is that in the midst of preparing my talk, my period confirmed that the 4th attempt of IUI infertility treatment did not take. Suddenly my talk on faith wasn't for anyone but me. I struggled with the words I should say. So I returned to begging, praying, and pleading to understand that the Lord still does love me, even if he can't grant me this great desire of my heart - yet again.

I don't understand the whys, but I know that I have been helped to learn that faith is not just getting what I want, but having faith in Jesus Christ, having the confidence that He knows what it is best.

In my talk, my closing remarks were from President Monson. Words that I need to truly embrace.

"I testify to you that our promised blessings are beyond measure. Through the storm clouds may gather, through the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments....my beloved brothers and sisters, fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith." (Thomas S. Monson, General Conference, April 2009.)